Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
