Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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