so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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