WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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