I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
