drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
