Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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