shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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