Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
