thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
