I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
