dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
