I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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