the condom got lost in my hair
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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