my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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