You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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