In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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