Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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