I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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