I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
