Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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