I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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