After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
