i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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