I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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