he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
