I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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