either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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