My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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