and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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