Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
