Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
