guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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