I swear she didn't look like that last week.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
