someone threw a dead crab at me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
