i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Everclear isn't food dammit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
