yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
