I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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