Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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