Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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