my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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