ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
