Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Randomize
