i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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