Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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