we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
