Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
