Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
