thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
