The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
