I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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