obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
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