So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
