i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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