she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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