Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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