Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
