remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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